Prison

 Well my husbands going to Feds (federal prison) for 5 years sometime late this year or early next year. It sucks but this is the last prison stint he’ll have to serve if I have anything to do with it. I am also looking at possible prison time (14months-ish) because I have 3 pending felony charges. I’m currently on the right track to trying to change that outcome. I don’t want to go to prison. I’m way too high maintenance for that shit. I am praying and vying for probation. Once all this is done we don’t plan to live in in this state anymore. Fuck this place. We’re going west and staring a new life together. A normal life. No drugs. I wish I could snap my finger and make the next 5 years be behind us already. God damnit I’ll miss the shit out of him if I go to prison as our only correspondence will be via snail mail. I had a terrible hard time not getting to see or talk to him when I was just in jail for 17 days. I can’t even imagine going a year without hearing his voice. I really fucking hope my lawyer isn’t shit. He’s court appointed but I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Keep your fingers crossed for me and I’ll try to keep you all updated. Next court date is my preliminary hearing on August 13th. It will be continued until I complete inpatient rehab. 🤞🏻

Phone

 He went back to jail yesterday. No, it's not anything new. Just the feds decided to pick up his charges. This could be really bad. He'll see a judge tomorrow probably but it's really a 50/50 chance he'll get released. We had just made up from a huge fight too. Like bad enough that he left me while I was asleep. But he came back. I'm worried tho. See, I have his phone right now cause the cops that arrested him gave it to me. And, I fully intend on asking him for the code to unlock it. I mean, if he can just go thru my phone whenever he pleases then I should be able to go thru his too right? Really I just want to see one specific conversation. Between him and my cousin that I've asked him numerous times to not be texting with. Apparently they still talk cause there's notifications on his phone that are texts from her. I just can't read them unless it's unlocked. If it's what I'm afraid it might be, idk what I'll do. Well I know what I'll do first. I'll tell him it's over. For good. Then I'll block them both on everything and turn his phone off. Then I'll take my happy ass down south and beat her ass. She's the one person I've asked him to not talk to or hang with. And I've a feeling that's where he really stayed at the night he left. I really will be 100% done with him if it's anything like what I think. I hope it's just my fucked up brain coming up with worst possible scenarios. I really do. Because I love him and I don't want to lose him. But I couldn't be with him if he and she..... And if he refuses to give me the lock code then I'll know he's hiding something and it'll be over anyways. I don't do double standards. If he can snoop mine then I can snoop his. It's fair.

Without me

 Omg

 He for real just left and went out of town without me. Luckily I fund a ride to work. I am really starting to think that this man really does not give a shit about me except that I take care of him. I think once he's working adhas money coming in hes going to leave. No one wants to be with me. Everyone leaves. I can't believe he just left me here alone. Like whats in that town that is a much more important than your wife dude. Come on. I always am told tha I deserve a man that treats me like a queen or a princess. But all I seem to find is guys that want taken care of or they just really like the pussy and can't get enough. But they always leave. Sometimes on their own and sometimes I have to make them go. But I tried to make him leave and he refused so.i stupidly thought he was different and wanted to be here, with me. But guess I was wrong. He didn't even try to come up with a way for me To go with him. Hes prob going to meet up with that fucking girl that he had the audacity to bring to my house to stay a few days without discussing it with me first. His ex btw... idk what to think tho. I don't want another Erick. Of this one cheats there is no forgiveness. It's just goodbye. God I hope he's real...

Puppy

 Hes really going to go... Tonight. Without me. Knowing I don't have a for sure ride to work in the morning.... I mean, I get that his friend was just killed and that's got him up in his feelings or whatever. But what's he gonna do? He says he just wants to know who did it and why. But what if he actually finds out who did it? Then what? He gonna go talk to them? I don't fucking think so. He's gonna end up doing something stupid anfi already told him if he goes to jail over something stupid I'm gonna really fucking mad. I'm already butthurt cause he's going without me. He didn't even try to convince me to go at all. He's just okay with me being here alone all weekend while he's in topeka probably doin the most. How do I approach this situation without starting a fight. I jus want him to want me around. I want him to show me common courtesy like I do him. I want him to respect me. I love him so much and I just know if he'd get his head out of his ass and grow up a little he'd be a fucking catch. He still is to me but I don't want to raise my husband. I just want him to grow up on his own. Right now. 

Ex 2

 So I go to bed expecting him to come home and climb in bed with me. Instead I woke up to him waking me up to tell me that he brought his friend home with him cause they dont have anywhere to go. His friend. That's a female. And his ex. And I'm just supposed to be okay with this? Man, if I brought an ex home with me he'd flip out. He made me delete my exs pics off my Facebook. I wouldn't ever bring anyone home without consulting him first. But he can't show me the same respect? So I'm just pretending to be cool or whatever. But trust and believe I won't forget this shit. I'm fuming. His fucking ex. He says 'i only dated her for like 3 months'. So? Did you fuck her? Yes? Then she counts. And you brought her to my fucking house? To stay a few days? Wow. You must be stupid...... 

Ex

 

Do I think he'd ne okay with one of my exes coming to hang out? Hell no he wouldn't. So why is it he felt it would be okay for him to invite his ex up here? I don't care if they only dated for a few months. Honestly I don't mind the girl I just think he should have asked me if I had a problem with it first. I probably would've been okay with her coming up. It's the fact that he didn't even run it by me. Maybe I didn't want company tonight. Maybe I'm not comfortable with him inviting a girl he used to date to my house. Maybe I had other plans. Idk I just feel so disrespected. But I won't tell him that. He'll just find a way to turn it around on me and make me the bad guy. My feeling will be invalidated and then I'll really be pissed off. So, I'll just let it go. For now...

Listen

 I try to explain things to him sometimes. I do this because I'll say something and he like looks at me crazy. So I try to explain and then he gets all upset like I'm talking shit or something. But thought he wanted me to let him know when things are on my mind. For instance, last night we were fooling around and as soon as he went to umm put it in, he got soft. So I tried, For about 20 mins to get him back up but it just wasn't working. I could see him getting more and more frustrated. Then he suddenly just gets super heated and starts cussing himself and whatnot. So I tried to explain to him that when he let's something Iike this frustrate him, all he's doing is ensuring that it doesnt work at all. Because like who's gonna get a hard on when they're pissed and cussing themselves out. I tried to get him to just calm down because A. It's not that big of a deal. It happens. And B. If he calms down he might actually be able to get it back up. But then he just looks at me like i just insulted him. I was just trying to help. I ask why he let's it get to him so much and he thinks he's disappointing me. But he's not. And I told him that. It really isn't that big of a deal. He usually had zero problems getting and staying hard for me. I'm sure it's just a fluke. But I just want him to listen when I'm trying to help him and at least take my words into consideration. But he doesn't. Not just then but several other times he's had some sort of issue so I try to pitch an idea for a solution and he just acts like I wasn't even speaking. Then hours later when he comes up with the idea I already pitched and it works I want so badly to say I told you so. But that would just start an argument. I jus wish he would respect me enough to listen to me sometimes. 

Car

 Like how many timesdo we have to have the same discussion before you realize you're wrong? Yes, it is technically your car. You asked me to register it and I couldn't put it in your name because you were in fucking jail. So I paid to register it in my name. And I paid to insure it. And I put a new wheel bearing and 4 new tires on it. And I'm the only one who puts gas in it. So, while it might technically be your car, legally it's my car. And I have just as much right to drive it as you do. But do you let me go anywhere alone except work? Nope. And when we go somewhere do you ever offer to let me drive? Also nope. Why? Are you just that selfish or do you just need that badly to be in control? You told me you weren't controlling but your actions are saying otherwise more and more. 

Hate

 He tries so hard to bring me back when I let my head get to me. But I don't think he understands how convincing the voices can be. They tell me that I'm a joke and that none of the people who say they love me actually do. They laugh at me behind my back because I'm not in on the joke. I am the joke. I want to kill myself. I don't want to die; I just want relief. I want the pain to go away. I want the voices to stop. Is there another way tha I haven't tried? I feel like they're getting the best of me. I live my life around whether or not they're taking over that day. If they are then I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. When the voices give me peace I can actually paste on a smile and make people think I'm OK. When I first met my husband, he had no idea. He thought I was a genuinely happy and optimistic person. I wis I wasn't so good at faking my happiness. I wish I could love myself. I wish I could just be happy. But I push mu husband away even tho I want him here and I isolate myself and I contemplate suicide regularly. I want things to change. But I've been in therapy for many many years now and tried numerous medications. Nothing helps. I feel like there's only 2 ways to escape. One is death. The other would be to learn to love myself. But idk if I can. I'm not an easy person to love. I've made a lot of mistakes I'm my life and that shit weighs heavy on my heart. Idk what to do anymore. Or what to think. It's getting harder and harder to decipher the difference between reality and what the voice want me to think. I try to keep a grasp on reality but it's easier said than done. I need someone to stay. Someone that doesn't run away when the voices tell me they will. Everyone leaves. Is he going to be the exception? Is this man for real?

Selfish

 Okay I have to make sure I'm not making mountains ou5 of molehills here okay? I asked him a question today. Mostly because I truly don't understand. But he got really mad and I think it is unwarranted. See, he's been complaining to people that he feels like a bum letting me pay for everything and he wants to be able to contribute. Yet, he's had a bunch of his friends sending him money over the last couple weeks that he just uses to play the online casinos. So I asked him "if you feel so bad for not contributing then why didn't you maybe contribute some of that money that was sent instead of gambling it all away"? And then I asked him how much hesput into the casino apps in the past couple weeks. He said about $250. I mean, we could have insured and registered my car. Or paid the electric and the wifi. That money could have helped us out but he chose to gamble it instead. Now, who has the right to be upset here? Me or him? Be honest.

Stupid

 So, anyone that knows me very well knows that I really hate being talked to like I'm stupid. But this man, I stg he be talking to me like I'm stupid all the damn time. And I make comments about it but he just ignores them. See, a while back I hit a deer in his car and busted out the whole driver side front quarter panel. Including the headlight. So I bought a little temp headlight and put it on the car. Well that was about 2 1/2 months ago and said lught burnt out today. And we need to have 2 headlights. So I try to offer solution suggestions to him and he like acts like I didn't even say anything. Its not the first time he's done something like this either. And last time he ignored me, I ended up being right and then I had to say I told you so. This time, he's still working on it; almost 5 hours later. He's doing what I suggested, finally. I'm not gonna say I told you so this time tho. There's no point. He still isn't going to learn to listen. What is it with most guys that they won't ever listen to a female? And they talk to females like they're dumb. Like they're below men. It kinda makes me wanna slap him. But I won't. Eventually tho I will say something that he won't be able to ignore. And for now I'll vent here to all of you.