Hate

 He tries so hard to bring me back when I let my head get to me. But I don't think he understands how convincing the voices can be. They tell me that I'm a joke and that none of the people who say they love me actually do. They laugh at me behind my back because I'm not in on the joke. I am the joke. I want to kill myself. I don't want to die; I just want relief. I want the pain to go away. I want the voices to stop. Is there another way tha I haven't tried? I feel like they're getting the best of me. I live my life around whether or not they're taking over that day. If they are then I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. When the voices give me peace I can actually paste on a smile and make people think I'm OK. When I first met my husband, he had no idea. He thought I was a genuinely happy and optimistic person. I wis I wasn't so good at faking my happiness. I wish I could love myself. I wish I could just be happy. But I push mu husband away even tho I want him here and I isolate myself and I contemplate suicide regularly. I want things to change. But I've been in therapy for many many years now and tried numerous medications. Nothing helps. I feel like there's only 2 ways to escape. One is death. The other would be to learn to love myself. But idk if I can. I'm not an easy person to love. I've made a lot of mistakes I'm my life and that shit weighs heavy on my heart. Idk what to do anymore. Or what to think. It's getting harder and harder to decipher the difference between reality and what the voice want me to think. I try to keep a grasp on reality but it's easier said than done. I need someone to stay. Someone that doesn't run away when the voices tell me they will. Everyone leaves. Is he going to be the exception? Is this man for real?